A friend said, during chat on im

As I see, luck can take you only till a point

and continued,

after that, it is all again luck.

Funnily painful. Or painfully funny.

**
These days, my biggest problem is to communicate and clarify to others, that I am not negative (pessimist) and at the same time, I am not a positive person (optimist) – I am (or at least want to be) at the middle ground. And that I am comfortable being there..and that I am quite sure that my mentality does not affect any outcome, but everyone opposes me.

But the problem is at times I get myself confused what I am.

Am I positive just to console myself and just because it is good to be so ?

**

It is bad already that one has to justify himself..but it is worse, when I fail in that..

The side effect is a conclusion which is quite as useless as it could get – hopelessness is not the worst pain…it is helplessness.

**
Am I really as strong as I think I am..or as much as I wish..or as much as I come across..or as much as I try to show ?

**

Does it really matter .. to be strong from outside when I realize that is not me from inside.. to be positive on the outlook when I realize deep within that many things don’t make sense..
[Including the consolations generously offered that again rely on .. hope, future … the shallow ones which the offerers too realize does not make sense when offered back when they go through a lean phase. I feel guilty for being evil in returning their favours and smiling under nose to have made them realize how shallow their words were..yes I am an evil guy, sometimes.. 🙁 ]

Does it really matter that I laugh..and make others laugh..when all I want to do is cry out loud standing atop a hill till I get tired and watch the sunset alone and fall asleep counting the stars ?